I think one of my coworkers is catching onto me

She made a big point of telling me that someone she knew finally came out to her, and then paused to look at me.  It was a very pointed, very expectant pause, like she was expecting me to say, "You know what?  I'm queer too!" 
I didn't for a number of reasons.

1. My coworkers are already pushing potential partners on me in jest which I could laugh off, but if I came out I think they'd start pushing potential partners on me in earnest and I don't want that pressure. 

2. I've yet to kiss, date, or have sex with a person who's not a man so I'm relunctant to call myself queer.  (Though I realize that is unfair as straight people don't need to kiss, date, or have sex to identify as straight.) 

3.  I think people expect me to say I'm lesbian, and I'm not, and I think that fact will make them take my queerness less seriously because it seems the only queerness that should be taken seriously is the one where someone can't help but be only attracted to someone of their own gender.  I think if they found out that I'm not only attracted to women, I'm attracted to people in general, they'd take me less seriously. 

3. I'm not queer because I couldn't help it. I wrote about it in my last LJ entry, and I'll cut and paste the relevant sections here: 

I think I'm queer by choice, which was one of the reasons I couldn't identify as queer for the longest time.  It was one of the things that used to eat me up when I was in church, because it wasn't that I was queer, it was that I wanted to be queer.  I never went through the whole try to straighten myself out.   I never did the try to stop liking girls and then discovered that I couldn't help it, it was beyond my control, I can't help but be attracted to girls thing.  I never tried that because I LIKED liking girls, because I didn't want to stop liking them, and I was afraid if I tried, I would find out that I could stop liking them, and I didn't want that.

So yes, for me, it was probably a choice.  I choose to like girls. 

And you know what?  I still think my liking women is legitimate.  Just because liking girls was probably a choice for me and not something that I couldn't help doesn't mean I like them any less.  I mean, no one ever goes up to a straight person who choses to like someone of an appropriate gender and tell them that they don't really like that gender because chose to like it.  Why should my orientation be wrong because I chose it? 

Oh yeah, because being queer is wrong.  That's the real issue.  And if you could choose to stop liking girls, then you should. 

I totally stand by that, btw.  But it also makes me relunctant to reveal my queerness because the people who do know eventually bring up how it's okay for me to be this way because I can't help it and then I feel bad because I actually think I can help it but I like being queer so I don't see why I should try to be otherwise.  I'm totally okay with that, but I'm not the mood to have to try to explain and validate myself to people if they're not. 


I hope I don't come across as saying people who can't help but be queer don't enjoy being queer, that it's something they don't like.  The problem with phrases like "have no control over" and "can't help it" is that it gives the idea of having no agency  (but somehow the lack of agency doesn't come up with people who can't help but only be attracted to what society defines as the opposite gender).  It often comes across to me (especially in the church that I was growing up in)  like they're victims, which is such the wrong way to describe whose who are queer not by choice.  They're not victims of some DNA trap, it's a part of who they are, and it should be celebrated as thus. 

I actually don't think there's much difference between being queer by choice or being queer because it can't be helped  - the need to express oneself is there in both scenario, and the need to be accepted for who one is. 

Liking women the way men do

I should be careful and state that I don't think all men like women the  same way, and certainly not all queer women like women the same way. 

But I am wary of the fact that when guys find out I'm attracted to women, they think I'm into their way of liking women.  For example, they'll ask me to watch a movie about a blond woman who gets rescued by a blond man in the end which is supposed to appeal to my women-attraction side because she's blond and she's hot and she's scantily clad. 

Or think I'm into porn because there are boobs exposed (not that there's anything wrong with porn, I'm just not into it, even if I'm into breasts.) 

Or think I want to watch women get rough and possessive with each other. 

They get really excited that I like women, like it's some hot, rough, dirty little thing, when the truth of it is, my f/f preference is actually quite boring.  I want romance with my f/f, and I like the idea of cuddling and laughing and being with her as partners in everything in life. 

Not to say I don't see a woman and wish I could flip her skirt and bury my face between her legs --

trust me, I do.  Oh god, do I ever. 

But there's also that desire (probably even more so than the Hot!Lesbian!Sex!) for romance, to just hold and be held, to see her as a person and vice versa and for us to simply to be boring and kind and good to each other. 

Definition and arguments against priviledge

I've started reading up on cisgender priviledge, mostly to learn how to check my own at the door when reading/listening to what transexual people have to say.  Some of the arguments against cisgender priviledge surprised me.  "Cis women are raped too" or "I'm a cis women and I'm poor and can't afford a car."  It makes me want to shake them and tell them that priviledge doesn't mean cis people automatically have a wonderful and better life or that horrible things only happen to transgender people and not to cisgender people. x

I think it means that society is less likely to dismiss who you are and what you feel in the inside based on what they see on the outside.  Or something like that.  Partly. 

What does priviledge mean to you?  In both terms of being queer and/or trans?  Do you believe there is heterosexual priviledge?  (I'm reminded of this this thread  by danneeness about how straight people can call their significant other "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" and be understood what it means, but with lesbians, it's never that clear.)  How do you define it?  Has any heterosexual you know argued against having that priviledge? 

I did this!

What f/f-related youtubes do you enjoy?

I've actually never even seen Hex, but one of my friend who's a huge fan showed me this video and I've seen it, oh, maybe 20 times already? :D I think I'm going to have to watch the show.

There was another one featuring two Chinese women kissing which I'm sure was done more for the male population than anyone else, but was still hot. Sadly, I can't find it.

I know these clips aren't about lesbianism, but they feature two queer women who I love, so here's Ellen DeGeneres talking about her absent stint on Family Feud and KD Lang singing Hallejulah.

What f/f-related youtubes do you enjoy? Or if "enjoy" is the wrong word, mean a lot to you?

Lesbian sex guides

I just did a review of a lesbian sex guide at The Lesbrary (lesbian/women-loving-women book blog), and I was wondering if anyone had any recommendations for lesbian sex guides. I liked Susie Sexpert's Lesbian Sex World, even if it is a little old now. I'm especially curious if there are any that are really diverse, including trans women, various kinks, etc. Any recommendations?
Megara - heart

Hey trans lesbians

you are indeed women

you deserve to march with other lesbians in dyke march

you are NOT loopholes

feminism applies to you so you're part of the struggle to be taken seriously and with respect and equality

Can I say "Happy International Transgender Day of Visibility"?

I think I will anyways :)

Lesbian invisibility

I outed myself in poetry class last week (a bit of a long story, but one of the guys said "I always get the sense from your poetry that you're sitting on the edge of a bed confessing this to some guy", and later I laughed about it with some other people from the class, "It's funny because I'm gay!", and he told the original guy, and so on and so far. Outing yourself is never finished). What was odd, though, was that one of the people I outed myself to I was sure already knew I'm a lesbian.

She's in two of my classes, and we sit beside each other and talk every class. I have mentioned "my girlfriend" numerous times, including saying that I had to "literally drag my girlfriend out of bed this morning". Just that morning I said "I live with my mom and my girlfriend" and was complaining about how my girlfriend let me sleep in. Girlfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend, and pretty strong indicators that we sleep in the same bed, yes? Well, after I outed myself to the poetry people, she said "Oh, I didn't know!" Wait... what? I was totally shocked. I had even thought I'd noticed some discomfort from her when I mentioned my girlfriend that slowly went away, which is pretty typical when outing yourself to a friend. I don't know how I could have been any more obvious except by saying "So, I'm a lesbian".

Has this happened to you? Do you find it hard to casually slip it in to conversations? I mean, gay men can say "my boyfriend" and you know exactly what they're talking about, but we have this weird convention of sometimes saying "girlfriend" when we just mean "friend". Not to mention that being really close with our "girlfriends" is expected. Even holding hands can be seen as just friendly.

I am really pretty out (as you can probably tell by now), but I am constantly surprising people when I come out. They seem to think that lesbians don't look like me (long hair, jeans and tee shirt). When I wear rainbow, I just like childish/hippie-ish (which I'm okay with, because I love rainbow and hippies). When I talk about my girlfriend, I just sound like I have a close friend. Is there any way to subtly let people know, or do I just have to keep bashing people over the head with this? (I know I don't have to come out to everyone, but I'm talking about in casual friendship situations.)

Anyway, long story short I wanted to ask if anyone else finds that lesbianism has an invisibility in North American culture, at least.

The need for a community?

I guess when I think about it, the real reason why I left the Pink Triangle Youth community when I was a teenager after a couple of months of meetings was that I knew I wasn't going to find a girlfriend there.  Most of the people there were boys, most of the few girls were paired, and the ones who weren't weren't compatible to me.  (Yeah, I know, lesbians are always supposed to be compatible, just because they're lesbians *rolls eyes*)

I did enjoy the discussion and contributed, but what I really wanted was a girlfriend. 

For me, I never felt that need to be part of a gay community.  I just wanted a nice girlfriend to love and would love me back and we'd be happy together. I'm all right with online groups, and this one has been especially rocking, but in real life, my attraction for woman was more about personal romance than feeling the need to be part of a group. 


Queer Racism

I just read this post in the debunkingwhite community, and I was wondering what you all thought about racism in the queer community. Have you had any experiences? Have you noticed white people disproportionately represented in queer spaces?

In my experiences, I think all the queer spaces I've been part of have been entirely or almost entirely white. But I haven't really been in a lot of queer spaces. No, what I've noticed a lot more is the advertising and resources (specifically books) available. It seems to be an exact reflection of the general society's offerings: white-dominated, male-dominated, no people with disability present... and, of course, there's the fact that GLBT is a strict hierarchy, with every subsequent letter getting half the attention the last one did. (And as for intersex, queer-identified, asexual, or anything else not included in "GLBT", why, you get no coverage at all.)

I continue to be disappointed by prejudice shown in the queer community, when we should know a little something about being minorities in society.

EDIT: Oops! Fixed html.